Safe Home-Base

A Regulating Environment

One of the things that has helped Eli so much over the past years is how we have changed his home environment to be less stressful / more regulating for him.  Having a super-safe home base has allowed him to weather other stress more constructively.  I was thinking about all of the elements of this today, and decided to put them down in black and white, as a reminder to myself. 

Here are the things that add up to a regulating environment for Eli:

1)      Affection

One of the things I’ve learned about Eli is that he is often unsure of his status with others.  To keep him regulated at home, I show him signs of affection constantly, making sure he knows I’m on his side.  When I walk by him, I give him a wink or blow him a kiss or give his neck a squeeze.  Any time I tell him something or ask him to do something, I always preface it with some little endearment, as in: “Hel-lo beautiful!  I’m so lucky to have you.  You forgot to take the garbage out.”  Honestly, it sounds like overkill, and sometimes it feels like overkill, but his anxiety level shifted noticeably when I started doing this. 

2)      Validation

I’ve written a lot about validation already, but it is so key to his happiness and well-being, its importance can’t be overstated.  No matter how myopic I find his perspective to be when he’s angry or upset, nothing good is going to come of speaking to him unless I validate first.  Sometimes validation is all that’s needed – it calms him down enough that we can have a really honest conversation, and he’ll listen to my perspective.  And here’s something crazy: sometimes when I validate and delve deep into his perspective….I find out that my assumptions were wrong!

3)      Soothing activities

Our DBT training had us put together “self-soothe” kits, so we had something at the ready when we needed to feel a little better.  Eli didn’t need to be taught this, he already had his self-soothing activities: youtube, videogames, books, and legos.  With the exception of books, all things we had previously restricted pretty heavily.  Books only work when they are new books, and since he reads a book in few hours, he was, overall, pretty deprived of self-soothing activities.  These days, we allow a lot freer access to the electronics and I try to go to the library every week so he always has reading material around.   

4)      Choice and Control

Every kid likes choice and control, but I think it is particularly important for kids who are exquisitely sensitive.  Honestly, the biggest difference came when we decided he was old enough to stay home by himself, so he could choose whether or not to go on family outings with us.  It was lifechanging, even if it was an incredibly difficult thing for me to let him do.  Any time he chose to stay home instead of go on a hike with us, I was constantly regretting that he wasn’t with us.  Long-term, though, it has calmed his anxieties about being controlled and these days, he comes with us more often than not.    

5)      Respect

Treating Eli like he is not as important because he is a child is deeply hurtful to him.  Some children may accept that adults have “more right” to choose what’s for dinner or to hold the remote control, simply because they are adults.  This is a world that does not make any sense to Eli.  He will respond to logic though; for instance, he will be offended that Dad chooses what’s for dinner because he’s the adult…but if you tell him that Dad chooses what’s for dinner because he’s the one doing the cooking, he’ll admit that it makes sense.  Any version of “this is unequal because I am who I am and you are only who you are” is an indignity that he will not simply not accept without a fight.  (And really, he won’t accept it with a fight either; he won’t let it go, he will just continue to simmer.)

6)      Only certain kids of teasing, and at the right time

Eli can be silly and goofy and wickedly funny at times.  But when he is feeling even the tiniest bit insecure or disrespected, his sense of humor goes right out the window.  Certain kinds of teasing are more acceptable than others….like anyone, he finds it hard to laugh at himself if the joke is about a sore spot.  It’s just that Eli has more sore spots than some people.  Before joking around with him, I always test the waters a bit, to see if he’s in a confident place (in which case, he can take a little ribbing) or in an anxious place (in which case, any jokes need to be at someone else’s expense).  The second he gives an indication that it’s not funny, I apologize and move on, preferable to something soothing (a bit of affection, a validation, or showing respect by asking for his opinion on something). 

7)      Minimal waiting   

For some reason, waiting is p a I n f u l to Eli.  Waiting seems to bring up some deep-seated discontent with life in general.  He becomes instantly moody and angry.  I know that this will be a hurdle he’ll need to get over at some point in his life, but for the moment, I call him to dinner when it’s actually ready, not 5 minutes beforehand; I don’t ask him to come in to watch the movie until after it has started; and I don’t pester him to get out the door until the rest of us are ready too.  And when he has to wait (for instance, when he needs me and I’m doing something else), I make sure to remind him that he is very important to me and I appreciated that he waited. 

I feel like I will need write a bunch more about my perspective on all of this, because I’m certain that there will be people who read this, horrified, and see this as coddling my child, walking on eggshells, or sheltering him from the real world.  I can understand how people might think that; but I’m the one who is responsible for his safety and well-being, and after having tried every approach under the sun over the past 6 years, I’m supremely confident in my approach.  I now have a kid who sees some good sides to this life that has dealt him a challenging neural make-up.  He smiles out of nowhere.  When I ask him to help around the house – sometimes he does it.  And he’s got a shine in his eyes.  He’s got a lot to learn, and a lot to go through and get through.  But no matter how dark and scary things are in the world outside or the world in his head, he always has his Safe Home Base.