How Not to Ignore Your Kid

AKA: The Sibling Situation

Although he would tell you something quite different, from my perspective, Eli has never been ignored a moment in his life.  From infancy, he required an attentive adult with nearly constantly to calm his fears, support him during any type of social conflict, help him fall and stay asleep.  I kept track for a bit, and on a typical weekday when he was in 2nd and 3rd grade, we spent between 3 and 6 hours per day managing rage and aggression. 

On the other hand, my easy-going Sarah gets ignored on a regular basis.  She starts to show me something, and Eli jumps in to show me his thing.  We plan to watch a movie together, then Eli has an episode and we have to leave the house.  Unless he is at his most regulated, dinnertime is usually about 90% Eli monologue.  And she rarely complains, bless her heart.  This Eli-centered universe is the oven she’s been baked in. 

All the same, I don’t want her to ever think she is less important in our eyes, or to look back on her childhood with resentment or regret.  So here are some ways I attempt to compensate:  

Validate.  She doesn’t need this in the same way Eli does, but it fills her bucket all the same.  When her brother interrupts something or ruins something, I debrief with her later.  I ask her how she felt and validate that emotion.  Honestly, she’s not a big talker and she seems pretty capable of processing it all without me, but I want to underscore for her that I’m here when she needs me.

Grab the small moments.  Whenever Sarah and I find ourselves alone, I make a point to call attention to it so we can both savor it.  “Oh, it’s just you and me for the next half hour!  This hardly ever happens, how special!”  Realistically, I don’t usually have time to spend those moments playing with her, but I might invite her to sit and talk with me while I do laundry or clean the house.  Even when I’m working, sometimes I’ll invite her to come in to my office and read or color so we can be in the same room and I can look over between zoom meetings and give her a wink or blow her a kiss.     

Special time.  While Eli is living under our roof, she is just not going to get the same level of attention that she would if she had a typical sibling.  That’s our reality.  Instead of mourning that, I accept that fact and look for other ways to give her high-quality attention when I can.  A few times, we’ve gone out to dinner, just the two of us – and it was magical.  A couple of years ago, Eli was requiring nearly 100% of our attention at all times just to keep everyone safe.  Our only respite was when he was at school.  So, I took a full day off of work and pulled Sarah out of school and we spent the entire day with no interruption.  We have pictures of that day and still talk about it, nearly two years later. 

Outsource it.  Doesn’t this sound terrible?  But it helps.  There are times when I know she needs more than I can give, and this is when it’s time to call in the family favors.  Spending an afternoon with her aunt and uncle, or taking a ride with her dad to see her cousins while I’m managing Eli gives her a short time to be the focus of attention.

I know a lot of families have this dynamic – one member just needs more and resources are finite.  I’m always looking for more ideas about how to manage this aspect of lives, so I would absolutely love it if you would share your ideas in the comments.  <3